If you were talking to a colleague who had something in their teeth, would you tell them? Your answer says a lot.

For those who wouldn't, you might think that telling them something like that is not nice.

Dictionary.com defines nice as being "pleasing and agreeable."

That's not a bad thing. Those are generally good traits.

For those who would, you might think that even though it might be an awkward thing to point out, you are helping the person by bringing it to their attention.

In other words, your telling them is an act of kindness.

Kindness can be defined as behavior that's thoughtful and considerate, but also strong and confident.

The two terms are sometimes used interchangeably. They shouldn't be. There is a big difference between the two.

I can say this from experience. Early in my coaching career, I was too focused on being nice. Now, 20 years later, I have moved towards attempting to be kind instead.

If you can make the same shift, you and your players will be better for it!

The Problem With "Nice" Coaching

In almost any youth sporting event, there are kids who struggle. Perhaps they don't understand what they are being asked to do. Or they are not capable of physically performing the task.

Often, you'll hear coaches tell these players something along the lines of:

"You're doing great"

The problem with this should be obvious. It's not true. You know it's not true. And, equally as problematic, the player usually knows it's not true.

While it's important to affirm players, false praise is not helpful.

I don't say this to suggest you tell a player they stink if they are repeatedly making mistakes, but blowing smoke is not a good strategy, either.

What about if the player doesn't know it's true? You could argue that's even worse. And I think it's one of the main issues with youth sports.

Too many players are constantly being told how "great" they are. This leads to a false sense of self and sets them up for failure as they progress to play against higher levels of competition.

Another way to think of nice coaching is people-pleasing coaching. If your feedback and player interactions are driven by a desire to keep players happy, that's an issue.

You should want your players to have a good experience. But deceiving them is not the way to do it...

The Difference Between Affirmation and Praise in Coaching

What would you do as a kind coach with the player who is repeatedly making mistakes?

Rather than telling them they are doing great, you would tell them what they are doing wrong. This would be done in an empathetic way.

You would then give them opportunities to apply the feedback you gave them. If they continue to make mistakes, you should correct them.

If they are putting forth great effort, but not yet able to master the move, you would affirm them, rather than praise them.

This is a key difference. Praise might take the form of "you are doing great." Affirmation would be, "I am proud of your effort. If you keep working this hard, you will get it."

One is true. One is not. One is based on external performance. One is based on internal characteristics. Choose accordingly.

How to Stay Positive Without Sugarcoating Feedback

"Being positive" is one of the core tenets of many youth sports programs.

How does the nice vs. kind debate fit into that?

You could argue both are positive. However, I would argue niceness is a fake positivity while kindness is sincere.

If I tell a player they are doing great when they aren't, they might feel better today. But we never addressed the issue. Is that setting them up for long-term success and a positive experience?

What about if I tell a player what they are doing wrong, and we work through the frustration and challenge together?

Which one of those is truly a positive experience for the player and their development as a person?

The Hard Truth: Coaching Isn't a Popularity Contest

Relationships are a huge part of coaching. Your relationships with your players are huge. That said, don't make being liked by your players your top priority when coaching them.

Instead, think about the character traits you want to embody when you interact with them:

• Honesty
• Respect
• Courage
• Thoughtfulness

Would someone with those qualities tell you about the food in your teeth? I think so. And I'm pretty sure that you'd appreciate them doing so.

So will your players when you coach them with kindness.

What do you think? Let us know by leaving your comments, suggestions, and questions...

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